I’m going to preface this post with two things: 1) I will be speaking only from my personal experiences with trauma and fitness and 2) not everyone’s experiences will be the same…
Why am I sharing this? Well, our community has experienced a LOT of trauma in the past 6 weeks. The levels of trauma and loss vary from person to person, and I thought it might be helpful to share how I tried to move forward after loss of various degrees. This is more meant as an opportunity to start a conversation where conversations may not have happened before, or to hopefully remove some stigma around trauma recovery. This may not work for everyone, but know that you need to be your own advocate in recovery right now – regardless of what kind you are experiencing. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to express yourself, and don’t be afraid to step up and help those around you. We all could use a shoulder these days…
I’ve seen a lot of bad things in the past decade. Working for a disaster relief organization will do that to you. I’ve seen entire neighborhoods leveled from an F5 tornado, I’ve seen water covering buildings in floods, I’ve watched from a hotel room as transformer after transformer exploded during an incoming hurricane, and watched the darkness race towards us.
I call all of this Secondary Trauma. It wasn’t MY trauma per se, because the event didn’t directly “happen to me” – I didn’t lose my home, my loved ones, and I was there to help. I had purpose and a plan.
I was also running the Boston Marathon the year of the bombings. I was a ways away when it happened, thank goodness, but I was suddenly in the middle of confusion, chaos, helicopters, ambulances, crying, lock downs, etc.
I refer to that as primary trauma. It was MY trauma, it happened TO ME (and many others).
After experiencing both primary and secondary trauma, I have observed a few things about myself when it came to recovering and getting back into an exercise routine. Again, I’m not a medical professional, but as this community moves through this recovery process, there are things we can all keep in mind.
Moving forward after Primary Trauma
Locally, most people within Montecito may be feeling this kind of trauma. Recovering from this was the hardest and took the longest. When we returned back from Boston, I wanted to be around my fitness community, but I felt like my fitness community didn’t know how to be around me. I was in a group workout, but felt completely isolated. I would often have intense anxiety attacks during or shortly after working out. My first few attempts at high intensity workouts resulted in me running to my car, locking the door, and crying, screaming, and shaking uncontrollably. Almost every run would be cut short because I would begin to get anxious, worried, etc. I had a meltdown in the middle of two races I ran after Boston.
I realized I had to reset my body. Doing high intensity work was literally throwing me into a tail spin. I started walking more, breathing more, I stopped listening to music altogether when I did start running. Slow movement, slow lifting, and a non-competitive environment helped me recover. Talking to a counselor who specialized in PTSD recovery helped. I also started telling people when I wasn’t having a good day instead of always replying with “I’m great, thanks!” – it took some people off guard, but those who cared, stepped up and leaned in to take care of me. It was almost a year before I was finally able to do my long runs without issue…and I still can’t run with headphones.
My theory is that Primary Trauma causes this “fight or flight” reaction that our bodies stamp as negative, and that when we try to resume intense exercise shortly after the trauma, our bodies automatically think we’re about to be in danger. It’s almost like our bodies no longer know the difference between good stress and bad stress, because it now just thinks it’s all bad.
Moving forward after this kind of trauma takes time, it takes patience, and it will likely be helped with professional counseling (something I put off for too long after Boston). Also, being up front with your community as to what your needs are will help. Don’t think you’re being rude or selfish.
Moving Forward after Secondary Trauma
This one was different. There is a lot of guilt in Secondary Trauma. Guilt that your life isn’t as bad as those who experienced the primary trauma, guilt that you can go to work, sleep in your bed, hug your loved ones…
For me, moving through Secondary Trauma required personal connection with others, and a lot of self-care. Sharing a meal, or quality time together reminded me that we are all feeling this pain. It’s OK to feel traumatized even if you did not lose as much as others – your “norm” has also been very shaken. I would take time to schedule a massage or go to a yoga class when I’d get home from disaster deployments…the simple act of being taken care of, and having no responsibility for an hour can be a very powerful thing.
Working out…well, I’d take it slow. I would still be able to run, but I ran leisurely and I didn’t have the energy for high intensity workouts, I wanted to move, just not move too fast. After a few weeks, I’d find my groove again, and listened to my body before trying anything that pushed me too hard.
I think Secondary Trauma drains your emotional bank faster than normal stress does. I know I’ve had TWO instances in the past 6 weeks where I’ve sat down, cried, and said “when can life be normal again for everyone” because we were doing everything we could to care for those around us. My bank was drained.
Connect. Be present. Be honest. Share.
The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for anyone. The more we can recognize our own needs to work through our trauma, and the more we can connect with one another to help move forward together, the more likely we are to get through this. Thanks for reading.