This is an email from a private training client who decided to sign up for a half marathon…then not train for it.
How to train for a half marathon. By K-Sham
1. register in June for a fun & challenging sounding half marathon in Carlsbad the following January. While registering for the race online, work yourself up into a frenzy of enthusiasm with another friend who “used to” run and convince yourself that 2017 is going to be THE year that this “running” thing really happens. For real. Not kidding this time.
2. After paying your $100 registration fee, immediately put this event out of your mind for the next six months and do not train at all. Training is for sissies.
3. Nine weeks before the race, consider some sort of training program. (“consider” but don’t actually do it. It’s still too soon.)
4. Five weeks prior to the race go online and spend way too much money on a bunch of super cool running gear: long tights (fuck, who decided that this thing was going to start at 7:45 am in January next to the ocean? Jesus H Christ people get a hold of yourselves) and gloves and a SLICK North Face running jacket that it so awesome you’ll be more than happy to wrap it around your waist and run (okay, walk) the final 9.3 miles of the race carrying it with you.
5. Accept the fact that no matter how much you spend on a running bra, it’s going to suck and that no amount of mammary scaffolding in the entire universe has the power to keep your boobs from bouncing. Imagine them sagging down to your belly button by the end of the year if you actually *DO* take up this running thing. Do a cost-benefit analysis. Reach no useful conclusion, but recognize that you’re using this as an excuse to not run.
6, Put on the Hamilton soundtrack and go for a “run.” This is really a walk with some short “sprints” (or, as some might call them, “jogs”) mixed in, but at least it’s something. Figure that if you can run a mile once, you can do it 12 more times next month, no sweat. Enjoy your new expensive running tights and feel pleased that they do not give you camel toe.
7. Realize that the track “My Shot” is the exact right cadence for a fairly challenging fast-paced run. Something you could NEVER keep up for 13 miles but which presents a decent challenge to keep up with for the 5:45 length of the song. By the way, “My Shot” clocks in at 91 BPM, according to the Interwebs.
8. Drink lots of coffee, eat some Advil, and plan to do this “run” again on Saturday. (Let’s see if I can’t run up until the point where Marquis de Lafayette starts railing against the French monarchy. That’s an appropriately weird running goal, I’d say.)
9. Fantasize about a pre race dinner at Karl Strauss Brewery in Carlsbad and a post race dinner at PF Chang’s because that’s really what this is all about anyway.
Don’t be like K-Sham. Don’t get us wrong, we had tears STREAMING down our faces while reading this, but this is not something we want to see repeated. Start training for your race with plenty of time to build your mileage to minimize risk of injury or pre-race panic attack. But still feel free to treat yourself to some new running clothes. Nothing says “I’m inspired to do this!” like a new running top and shorts 🙂 Oh, and be sure to sign up for one of our running programs too, you’ll be glad you did.
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2 comments on “How NOT to Train for a Half Marathon”
Yes. I mean, No. Do NOT be like me. I finished that race … er, run … HA HA HA … let’s go with “lengthy seaside brisk walk, much slower towards the end” and I was sore for days. DAYS.
And I’m such a weirdo, I’m doing another one. In equally poor form. Don’t be like me.
But DO listen to the Hamilton soundtrack all the time. That part was awesome.
Too funny been there done that!
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